The Violent Kind

The Violent Kind
2010
D: Mitchell Altieri, Phil Flores

Some white trash young adults in a remote house are menaced by something even nastier than outlaw bikers...

In the first third, it's established that Q (Bret Roberts) is a tough guy, DILIGAF* member of the not-quite inventively named MC The Crew. His best friend Cody (Cory Knauf), who was never patched in due to a scandal that landed him in prison, and another pal head up to Cody's mom's remote place in the northern California woods for a club party. They establish Cody's backstory of conflict with Q and the Crew (which sounds like a terrible '80s pop-r&b outfit), the party soon ends, and all trappings of this being the kind of biker movie the ads and box art imply are pretty much over and done with.
From there, it's half typical direct to dvd young people stranded in a remote house being stalked by outsiders movie, and half direct to dvd young people stranded in a remote house where a supernatural force is building movie. Someone in the woods is watching them, there are what seem to be flashbacks of violent murders, people die and are possessed, etc. Until the final third, when said stalking outsiders appear.
They turn out to be a group of street hoods from the '50s who are now undead '50s retro hipsters. Greaser Vern, hepcat Jazz, mildly retarded greaser thug Murderball, and their gals Trixie and (I am not making this up) Pussywagon do the tie them up and fuck with them thing.
I quickly saw that this was in no way, shape, or form going to be a biker flick, and the whole Crew backstory was probably added to glom onto the popularity of The Sons of Anarchy. Still, I at least expected a halfway decent horror movie. I did not get one... This isn't exactly my first foray into direct to disc horror; I know what I'm getting into. I'm ok with going in expecting a cheap good time. The less than spectacular effects, for example, are no problem. This was simply not good.
I don't anticiapte top-notch performances, but the leads should at leat be passable. While the women were ok, the males were brutal. I figured a guy named Cory playing a guy named Cody was a bad sign, and his way-too-McConaughey performace was worse than I'd expected. Bret Roberts was simply terrible, and the less said about the villains, the better. I'm pretty liberal with accepting plot holes, but the overall plot should at least make some kind of sense (and if you hang in there with this thinking, "I hope it at least has a decent ending," you're gonna be pissed). The direction and editing are terrible; the scenes with the greasers are supposed to by David Lynch-like, and it's just embarrassing. The only thing shocking about the gore is how little of it there is.
The soundtrack was actually not bad at all.
One piece of candy (the Raisinettes nobody wants) for this Halloween dud.

* "Do I look like I give a fuck?"

Hard Ride to Hell

Note: "Trailer" is actually the first seven minutes of the film

Hard Ride to Hell
2010
D: Penelope Buitenhuis

Young vacationers in an RV are terrorized by a bike gang that's actually a cult of immortals

Based on the descriptions, I was hoping for a zombie biker film; what I got instead was a pretty dull afternoon.
A group of 20-somethings, including token black guy Dirk, and couple Danny and wants-to-get-pregnant-but-can't Tessa, is out and about in their RV. They stop along the way to camp, and are briefly joined by a creepy but seemingly kind travelling knife salesman. He manages to make a sale, but also warns them of possible danger in the area. They have no idea how right he is.
After running frightened from a snake (no stereotypes here), Dirk (in an Average White Band tee no less) happens upon a party thrown by some bikers, and hunkers down to watch. But maybe this isn't a party at all... The bikers are led by Jefe (Miguel Ferrer, the biggest name here), whom we know from an earlier flashback must be at least 100 years old, and include the creepy pervert, the guy with the mask, the guy who looks like Bill Eadie, and a couple of big dudes, not to mention their naked or barely dressed women. The bikers begin eating the women alive; just then, they spot Dirk and persue.
After some violence at the camp, Jefe abducts and rapes Tessa, deciding that she is the one he'd long been searching for. Jefe, you see, was trained by Aliester Crowley, and further has achieved immortality through the consumption of live human flesh. He is also the conduit for Satan to be born of earth, and looking for the prophesized mate.
Bob the knife salesman returns to help, and most of the kids escape alive--though the bikers persue, and the infertile Tess is not only knocked up, but her pregnancy is progressing VERY rapidly. Things finally reach a head in a showdown in a small church.
Despite a coherent if not quite cliche-free or original plot, and violence that includes a chainsaw, flesh eating, a guy's face ground into the asphalt at a high speed, rape, lots of vomit, and a molotov made from a Jack Daniel's bottle and a tampon, this was an utter bore. None of the violence is especially graphic, and it's all very by-the-numbers and devoid of fun. I've seen dozens of enjoyable direct to video horror flicks, and this ain't one of 'em.
As we'll see, biker horror isn't so easy to pull off. A mere 2 for this effort.