Saturday, August 20, 2011

Hard Ride to Hell

Note: "Trailer" is actually the first seven minutes of the film

Hard Ride to Hell
D: Penelope Buitenhuis

Young vacationers in an RV are terrorized by a bike gang that's actually a cult of immortals

Based on the descriptions, I was hoping for a zombie biker film; what I got instead was a pretty dull afternoon.
A group of 20-somethings, including token black guy Dirk, and couple Danny and wants-to-get-pregnant-but-can't Tessa, is out and about in their RV. They stop along the way to camp, and are briefly joined by a creepy but seemingly kind travelling knife salesman. He manages to make a sale, but also warns them of possible danger in the area. They have no idea how right he is.
After running frightened from a snake (no stereotypes here), Dirk (in an Average White Band tee no less) happens upon a party thrown by some bikers, and hunkers down to watch. But maybe this isn't a party at all... The bikers are led by Jefe (Miguel Ferrer, the biggest name here), whom we know from an earlier flashback must be at least 100 years old, and include the creepy pervert, the guy with the mask, the guy who looks like Bill Eadie, and a couple of big dudes, not to mention their naked or barely dressed women. The bikers begin eating the women alive; just then, they spot Dirk and persue.
After some violence at the camp, Jefe abducts and rapes Tessa, deciding that she is the one he'd long been searching for. Jefe, you see, was trained by Aliester Crowley, and further has achieved immortality through the consumption of live human flesh. He is also the conduit for Satan to be born of earth, and looking for the prophesized mate.
Bob the knife salesman returns to help, and most of the kids escape alive--though the bikers persue, and the infertile Tess is not only knocked up, but her pregnancy is progressing VERY rapidly. Things finally reach a head in a showdown in a small church.
Despite a coherent if not quite cliche-free or original plot, and violence that includes a chainsaw, flesh eating, a guy's face ground into the asphalt at a high speed, rape, lots of vomit, and a molotov made from a Jack Daniel's bottle and a tampon, this was an utter bore. None of the violence is especially graphic, and it's all very by-the-numbers and devoid of fun. I've seen dozens of enjoyable direct to video horror flicks, and this ain't one of 'em.
As we'll see, biker horror isn't so easy to pull off. A mere 2 for this effort.

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