Tuesday, May 24, 2011

"Hard-on Wheels" and "Cycle Sluts"

Hard-on Wheels
Cycle Sluts
early 1970's
no credits for either title

Two early '70s biker-themed porns

These two features, along with a (more professional) non-sickle porn, are available on a cheap 2-disc set. Listed on Amazon as soft-core, but it's not.

"Hard-on Wheels" opens with a shot of the Statue of Liberty and a great voice-over about the dangers of those violent, revenge-seeking motorcycle gangs. A good sign.
A biker "party" (a few people sitting around in a living room) gets busted, and the leader is arrested. As it turns out, the detective is a corrupt drug dealer just looking to bust the competition, and the bikers (whose shitty colors sport a name that looks like Draft Beer Note or something) break into his house to exact some revenge. The two (one of whom looks like a slightly older and much filthier Peter Fonda) attack while the cop's getting blown in the shower. The cop is tied to a chair, and Biker #2 rapes his girlfriend while Fonda and his girl fool around while watching one of the cop's porn films. The biker leader, now out on bail and wearing pretty cool jeans, shows up to join in on the rape. Others who get involved include a couple who show up to buy weed from the cop, and a comic-relief wino who climbs in the window. After all the fucking, there's a poorly done violent finale.
The porn itself isn't too bad, though the film-within-the-film filler (with a guy who looks a lot like Lemmy and two Asian chicks on a staricase) is more professional. Most of it has that great '70s porn feel, where people look like they're fucking and not porn fucking. A biker going down on a chick with a weird pelvis and, we later see, an enormous pimple on her ass, is particularly realistic. Some bits, notably Leader forcing oral on Cop GF while a chick goes at her awkwardly with a dildo, go on way too long. With standard porn stuff --fucking in various positions, several orals, 69, etc-- as well as a chick penetrated by what looks like a Bushmills bottle, in a bit of product placement they probably would not approve of.
In what's likely an unintentional Manson Family reference, there are characters named Squeak and Rabbit.

"Cycle Sluts" is a little thinner on plot and more to the point. Two bikers pick up a couple of chicks at a taco stand in the difficult to hear, hastitly shot probably without a permit opening. This leads to an actual biker movie type riding scene, as they take the chicks home. Since their aunt is out of town, the four hang out a while, and after they smoke weed and the more clownish of the two bikers makes bad jokes and generally runs his mouth A LOT, the couples pair off and get down to business. After they're done, the girls' aunt unexpectedly comes home and chases the girls out. The two bikers seem bent on raping her, but it proves to be unnecessary, as she's very interested. She and the bikers engage in a three way after Clown Biker fetches the vibrator he just happens to keep in his jacket.
The girls aren't bad, though one had a patch of white hair in her otherwise dark pubes that kinda grossed me out. Some sex scenes are too long, and feature too many close-ups of balls. Biker 2 has a hell of a time getting off; some editing would have helped here, as you start to feel frustrated and embarrassed for him. The fuck scene music is pretty cool strumming-guitar-based stuff, though unauthorized James Brown and Creedence clips are used during two money shots (I am not kidding).

Mediocre porn, worth having as a conversation piece if you're a cycle flick collector I suppose. Not going to even bother rating this--you give a shit, or you don't.

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